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I don't blame anyone that I've just gone through my 3rd divorce at the age of 46. Selfishness and lack of emotional control are the culprits even though this last marriage lasted the longest of all of them -- nine years. Everyone wants what they want, when they want it. Humans have the capacity to become monsters with the right amount of practice -- and human monsters never want to admit they are monsters -- they can't see themselves.
Editorial
From the Author of Broken Heart...
So You Find Yourself Divorced...Again
I don't blame anyone that I've just gone through my 3rd divorce at the age of 46. Selfishness and lack of emotional control are the culprits even though this last marriage lasted the longest of all of them -- nine years. Everyone wants what they want, when they want it. Humans have the capacity to become monsters with the right amount of practice -- and human monsters never want to admit they are monsters -- they can't see themselves. 
Selfishness has replaced love and some think the new definition of love is this: I love you if you make me feel good and give me what I want.
I don't waste time with excuses like, we are the result of what happened in childhood, because everyone is subject to that, which puts us on the same playing field. If we weren't abused by parents, perhaps it was another relative or we were bullied by a sibling or childhood acquaintance, or we were sick or ugly or poor. The point is, we all have a responsibility to improve the personalities we have, despite our previous experiences.
I wish I could tell you I'm an innocent victim, and after reading this e-zine, you may think I am. I was just as cruel and selfish as he was, though I was not unfaithful, even though sometimes we are so dogmatic about being faithful, that we do not realize we are tormenting our partners in exchange for our faithfulness.
Before I provide a run down on my extensive marital history, let me explain why so many mistakes were made. These are the facts, however I'm not making excuses --
I don't waste time with excuses like, we are the result of what happened in childhood, because everyone is subject to that, which puts us on the same playing field. If we weren't abused by parents, perhaps it was another relative or we were bullied by a sibling or childhood acquaintance, or we were sick or ugly or poor. The point is, we all have a responsibility to improve the personalities we have, despite our previous experiences.
I wish I could tell you I'm an innocent victim, and after reading this e-zine, you may think I am. I was just as cruel and selfish as he was, though I was not unfaithful, even though sometimes we are so dogmatic about being faithful, that we do not realize we are tormenting our partners in exchange for our faithfulness.
Before I provide a run down on my extensive marital history, let me explain why so many mistakes were made. These are the facts, however I'm not making excuses --
I -
My second marriage was kind of silly on my part and proved I was still naive and immature. Still unwilling to swim out into the ocean of sensibility, I swam into a cesspool instead. The guy was attracted to me, but I thought he was weird. At the time I still thought I was suppose to be in relationships with christian men who wanted me, despite how I felt about them (and whether or not they acted like christians). He had been abused as a child and he was crazy -- with a murderous flavor. I had NO information or education about mental illness. I knew he was abused before I married him (he told me), but I was still driven to say the vows to prevent fornication and save my hormonal soul from the christian hell. Needless to say the marriage lasted for only seven months, my shortest marriage. I decided my desire for life was stronger than my fear of the devil.
The third marriage was suppose to work, or so I thought. We talked about what we wanted -- I was serious, truthful and aware of my past mistakes, however I still had a bad anger management problem and developing issues with men. He had a lot of growing up to do and was very "inner" to the point of lying about his feelings. We did not date long enough for me to determine what type of character he had and he did not reveal his true self while we were dating. He did show enough of himself for me to see warning signs, however I had been single for a while and was willing to settle. I turned a blind eye.
- was born an enabling Pisces with a tendency to want to save people, therefore I attracted people who needed saving.
- did not have a good relationship with my father.
- was reared as a staunch pentecostal christian who was taught to accept patriarchy and male chauvinism in order to stay out of the belly of hell.
- was raised by a mother and grandmother who both blindly ascribed to line 3.
My second marriage was kind of silly on my part and proved I was still naive and immature. Still unwilling to swim out into the ocean of sensibility, I swam into a cesspool instead. The guy was attracted to me, but I thought he was weird. At the time I still thought I was suppose to be in relationships with christian men who wanted me, despite how I felt about them (and whether or not they acted like christians). He had been abused as a child and he was crazy -- with a murderous flavor. I had NO information or education about mental illness. I knew he was abused before I married him (he told me), but I was still driven to say the vows to prevent fornication and save my hormonal soul from the christian hell. Needless to say the marriage lasted for only seven months, my shortest marriage. I decided my desire for life was stronger than my fear of the devil.
The third marriage was suppose to work, or so I thought. We talked about what we wanted -- I was serious, truthful and aware of my past mistakes, however I still had a bad anger management problem and developing issues with men. He had a lot of growing up to do and was very "inner" to the point of lying about his feelings. We did not date long enough for me to determine what type of character he had and he did not reveal his true self while we were dating. He did show enough of himself for me to see warning signs, however I had been single for a while and was willing to settle. I turned a blind eye.
The Piscean in me was still raging and wanted to be there for him while he finished maturing - LOL (I was still taking cases). He turned out to be a ladies' man, a flirt and a liar. Ladies' men are ladies' men because they give ladies the impression that the door is open to them.
I never felt that he really loved me, even though he constantly told me he was "faithful", because I was constantly asking. During the course of the nine-year marriage, not only did I change and grow as a woman, but I changed my mind about being there for him so the divorce is final -- his choice, because I got on his nerves when I nagged him about growing up and taking on more responsibilities. He also told me I wasn't "his type", and yes he lied about being faithful. I began to harbor even more anger.
Divorce Pain Equation
IF you spend a lot of time with a certain person,
AND that person is not that bad, you're just incompatible
AND you were brought up to believe you can't be alone,
THEN you can develop soul ties, even to people you don't get along with OR who don't like you.
This general human tendency causes me to look at other docile and submissive women and want to kick myself that I can't be more like them, even though I can't stand them. Yeah, I know....it's just self-inflicted peer pressure, but it still causes emotional conflict and pain.
Meant to be Single?
I started to believe I was meant to be single. I didn't mesh with anyone. The truth is I just needed to grow up, learn to enjoy life, understand universal truths and be patient. I admit I am not the typical woman, which meant my true partner was just a rarer breed. We don't all grow up at the same rate, and that's okay. Through the course of my three marriages I learned some things about myself:- Though I consider myself a romantic, I do enjoy my time alone -- in fact, it energizes me.
- I like doing what I want and that desire gets stronger with age, meaning I am less willing to compromise. I really need to be with someone who likes what I like, or what I would like once introduced to it.
- Though I love kids and realize we need kids (to continue the human race), I'm not a person that really enjoys the wittle bitty ones. My age preference is 7 -11 years old. I prefer the company of adults and honor all daycare workers.
- Sometimes the way I want to be loved by people is not love, but more like.....ummm... worship (just being honest). I need to be with someone who is very demonstrative in their love for me.
- I hate when others disappoint me because of their own laziness or selfishness.
- I will not allow anyone to abuse me when it is within my power to stop it. I believe it always is.
- I'm not a quitter so sometimes I don't know when to quit.
- My need for sex is not as frequent as it was when I was younger, but it is much more powerful.
Dealing with the Pain of Divorce and Break-Ups -- Life Lessons I am Learning
I embrace the fact that I have to deal with the pain of my past decisions and lack of knowledge. I have spent the last few years really dissecting my life and coming up with reasons for my erratic behavior and ways to prevent it. This is partly the purpose for this e-zine. Pain can be real or imagined, preventable or not-- either way it's still painful and you may not be able to make sense of why you are feeling it. The other purpose for this site is to prevent others from going down the same painful road that I chose and to help them recover by learning from my mistakes.Divorce Pain Equation
IF you spend a lot of time with a certain person,
AND that person is not that bad, you're just incompatible
AND you were brought up to believe you can't be alone,
THEN you can develop soul ties, even to people you don't get along with OR who don't like you.
PPP -- Peer Pressure Pain
People are generally social creatures who want to fit in with the status quo. It feels good when we look around and see that we have the same thing as everyone else. Somehow this denotes normalcy and a sense that we can be like everyone else in similar situations, which is comforting.This general human tendency causes me to look at other docile and submissive women and want to kick myself that I can't be more like them, even though I can't stand them. Yeah, I know....it's just self-inflicted peer pressure, but it still causes emotional conflict and pain.
Life Lesson: I must learn to accept myself as an individual and associate with more people who recognize my worth and act similarly.
I failed to do what the church and my mother told me to do. Most youngsters have a natural desire to please authority figures. When we mature into adulthood, we must make hard and fast decisions about which childhood teachings we will keep, and which are not good for us as adults.
FP - Failure Pain
I also deal with the pain of failure. I failed to attain the highest status of marriage, which I perceived as lifelong. What I learned is sometimes the highest status of any situation is to have the courage to make changes, even if those changes include leaving a marriage.I failed to do what the church and my mother told me to do. Most youngsters have a natural desire to please authority figures. When we mature into adulthood, we must make hard and fast decisions about which childhood teachings we will keep, and which are not good for us as adults.
Life Lesson: Parents and churches are not always right.
MMP - Mind Movie Pain
Once upon a time I was convinced that Mike and Carol Brady had the perfect achievable family and that one day I'd have a house and family just like theirs, along with a maid with Alice's attitude. When I matured and begin to deal with real adults and children, I had to face the fact that these people were actors. As women we sit for hours in front of movies and television watching endless on-screen romances and we wonder why we hurt so bad when Prince Charming never comes OR why we're more attracted to Cinderella.Life Lesson: Reality is a harsh teacher. Learn the difference between what's real and fantasy.
It is IMPOSSIBLE for Christian and Islamic patriarchal systems to rear, socially equal, well-adjusted, strong, emotionally independent, young women unless the women do not fully ascribe to the teachings of these systems. This is difficult when most Abrahamic religions admonish slaves to be obedient and women to do the same, as well as to default to their husbands' views on all matters.
Pain can be Good
Once I embraced non-Christian spiritual systems and learned of concepts like matriarchy, Collective Consciousness, Universal Laws, the Law of Attraction and that Satan is a Christian concoction, my growth and healing took off like football players after blonde cheerleaders!It is IMPOSSIBLE for Christian and Islamic patriarchal systems to rear, socially equal, well-adjusted, strong, emotionally independent, young women unless the women do not fully ascribe to the teachings of these systems. This is difficult when most Abrahamic religions admonish slaves to be obedient and women to do the same, as well as to default to their husbands' views on all matters.
Patriarchy, especially within the confines of religion, fosters a complete sense of insecurity and lack of self confidence in women. It manipulates women's minds into believing they are children and it also causes men to be arrogant and less likely to improve their own negative behaviors. If you are not going to fully ascribe, why ascribe at all? In most cases, non-subservient women have to disobey the teachings and self-adjust later in life, which is what I'm doing right now.
The best thing about pain is that it forces you to do something about what's hurting you. Because of this, life is good and getting better each day. The pain is forcing me to figure this thing out, adopt better ways of living, and to share with others to prevent them from repeating my mistakes.
The best is yet to come. I hope you enjoy and learn from this online magazine.
The best thing about pain is that it forces you to do something about what's hurting you. Because of this, life is good and getting better each day. The pain is forcing me to figure this thing out, adopt better ways of living, and to share with others to prevent them from repeating my mistakes.
The best is yet to come. I hope you enjoy and learn from this online magazine.