Unfortunately, I must admit this book, and especially this chapter, are written as a result of my personal experience with certain negative situations and behaviors, namely infidelity. I have chosen to take a bit of a different approach on the topic of cheaters in this divorce/break up blog. You can easily go to the internet, library or bookstore and find loads of articles and periodicals about characteristics of people who cheat, specifically men, which I will focus on since I am a heterosexual woman and that is where my firsthand experience lies. I actually have decided to deal with what I think I needed to learn from the situation, hoping that someone will benefit from this.
Some of what I discovered came from conversations with the "other woman" who indulged me by telling me what my husband had said about his 'love' for her and what he'd told her about me (believe it or not, this person was very similar to me, except not as faithful 😄. I have also spoken with male relatives who cheated to get their perspective from a man's point of view. With regard to speaking to the other woman, it was more of a relief than anything to have firm proof that my suspicions were not unfounded and that I was in my right mind.
Every woman loves positive attention. I am no exception to that rule and find that I have drawn cheaters to myself and have even, subconsciously, sought them out -- can you believe that -- looking for cheaters (without realizing it)! My need for immediate gratification, fast sex and quick love caused me to accept false romance in place of no romance. I think there are a few different types of cheaters that are very damaging to a woman's psyche, but ONE of the most dangerous is the 'forever looking for romantic love' cheater. I have used my years of experiences to create a profile of this guy that I constantly allowed to break my heart:
- Typically a very suave, handsome fella, sort of like the Ted Bundy type, that has good rapport with both adults and children. His friendship and prematurely, devoted attention is what endears you to him and is what will rip you apart when he rejects you and you discover he is cheating.
- This guy preys on really 'good' women who have been hurt before, have a lot of love to give, and have probably acquired some assets. These women must still believe in love because the cheater has a need for the love of a woman and he detests cheating women, even though he is a cheater. He usually did not receive adequate or appropriate love from the mother figure in his life and is on an unending quest for stability.
- This cheater moves fast and will quickly discard a wise woman who does not give in to him or seem impressed by his advances and undue compliments. Initially you may feel a bit apprehensive and ask yourself questions like, "how can he tell me he loves me when he doesn't even know me?" If you are weak and vulnerable, you will eventually fall prey to the Cinderella syndrome and just go with the flow of this fake prince charming (lower caps on purpose).
- If you hesitate to open your heart too soon, he will really pour it on with phone calls, flowers, promises of undying love, dinner dates, unending compliments and just being there as a friend, but......giving too much way too soon. Actually he is not really giving you anything, just lying and acting. Hold out for a month or so and you won't hear back from him.
- Once you fall in love, when he has you eating out of his hand, this guy changes almost immediately. He will become distant, quiet and even cold. It will seem that he doesn't like you, almost in a sense of being disgusted by you -- the one he pledged his undying love to just a month ago. The numerous phone calls you received will begin to wane and as you reach out to find out what is wrong, he will become irritated at your digging. This happens after about six months to a year from the beginning of the relationship, sometimes even sooner.
- He will become angry if you don't believe his lies and will actually be hurt and accuse you of being paranoid and even unfaithful yourself. This is emotional abuse toward you.
- Soon he will come up with good excuses for long absences, you will find unidentified calls and numbers, you will experience issues with sexual behaviors, and he may even ask for a separation or break-up. He will blame you for his absences with reasons such as: you nag, or are too needy, or too independent, or too skinny, or too fat, or work too hard, or don't work hard enough, or clean too much or don't clean enough, etc. WHOEVER you are, he will find something wrong with you. Since he has not yet accepted HIS problem. There were so many times in my marriage that I honestly felt I could not please the man, no matter what I did and I was correct. When he breaks up with his new love, he will come back to you promising to love you forever and begging you to take him back. If only you would just ______ (you fill in the blank) he would be happy with you and never want to leave again -- yeah right.
It's sad when people have problems with fidelity because many of them have to come to the conclusion that they have a problem and they must seek help. I will admit that they need a recovery manual also, however this book is for the victims of infidelity, and I will focus on how cheaters may affect you and how you can protect yourself.- If you find that you are attracting cheaters, please look inside yourself. You may need to go to a therapist and look more deeply at your past, your own needs and your emotional state. It could be that you do not feel worthy to be in a relationship with a person of high caliber. If you had issues with your mother or father's love, you were raped, you were abandoned previously, etc., you will have to get a good, solid understanding of what a good relationship is and what normally acceptable behaviors are in a relationship. Otherwise you will continue to attract cheaters because they will definitely appeal to your need for quick, fast and hard love. What is worse is you may even become a cheater yourself.
- Serial cheaters will try to convince you that there is something wrong with you -- sometimes they are correct, which is why they targeted you in the first place. They feel that they must do this because they can't accept their own issues. You need to exit the relationship early and get the help you need so that you do not continue to attract these guys. They stay away from strong women who love themselves and these guys prey on those who are prone to believe lies for the sake of their own desire for intimacy. These guys can have one conversation with you and know exactly where you are emotionally. This is why it is imperative that you get the help you need to prevent attracting more pain into your life. Don't give up to much too soon. Discretion is key -- not because you are playing hard to get, but because you are trying to figure out who you are playing with.
- While you are in the relationship you may experience night terrors, unexplained anxiety, feelings of paranoia, rejection, irritability, depression, insomnia, too much sleep, overeating, not eating enough, substance abuse (self-medication), etc. All these are signs of your battle with intuition and truth. When we battle with truth, it can leave us with a feeling of sickness similar to nausea and, if ignored, can leave us insane without any understanding of reality. The intuition may come from your inner spirit, your spirit guide, your God, ancestors that protect you, etc. DO NOT ignore it. To do so will hurt you more than it will hurt him (the cheater). You cannot save him -- save yourself. Something will happen to provide an opportunity for you to leave. You will come into money, or someone will offer you a place to live or a new job. Do not hesitate -- make your escape and save your sanity.
- If you are emotionally stable, leave early. If you do not, this serial emotional rapist will tear at the very core of your being. You will create a relationship in your own mind that does not exist between the two of you. You are the ONLY party in this imaginary relationship because he is long gone and never loved you anyway. He doesn't know what love is. Even if he begs for forgiveness, leave anyway -- he needs to get help by himself before entering into any relationship. The kids will be better off with no dad, than with a crazy mom.
- Keep it short and simple, your schedule, that is. If you don't have anyone to assist you with the children, make sure the kids are on a strict schedule and keep meals simple and wholesome -- this will help you and the kids to cope better. Perhaps you do not have the energy to keep up with soccer and ballet. Take the children out of these activities temporarily or arrange for another ride. You may feel depleted at the end of the day because you have to learn to live on one person's broken energy now and part of that is with the significant other that you may still be emotionally invested in. Get plenty of sleep, but don't overdo it. Eat well and write lists to help keep track of everything you have to do. Don't try to be perfect, but take on necessary tasks by breaking up responsibilities for different days. You have more to do now that you are single. Get the older kids to help with some of the chores.
- If you have dogs or cats, they can provide great pet therapy by absorbing some of your pain during petting time. Remember this is both emotionally and physically traumatic and you must take care of yourself.
Dating Again
- I realize people will tell you to focus on your children, but be sure to get the help you need. Reach out to family and friends to assist you with caring for children until you can breathe again. Break-ups cause both emotional and physical trauma. You cannot properly care for anyone when you are traumatized and sick. Long drives and solo weekend get-aways were vital for my emotional health when going through a divorce because these times gave me long moments to think and breathe.
- Please make sure that you have a healthy self-image and self-love prior to venturing out again into the wildlands of love. If you go out before you're healed and resolved, you may see your love interest as the cheater and provide your new beau much undeserved grief. Unfortunately, if you are not healed, you may go after the guy who moves the fastest in love, and is also a cheater. You will also have a tendency to move too fast to try to recapture the love you recently lost.
- See yourself in the future. Sometimes when we are in the midst of a trial we can only see the current moment and feel what we feel right now. It seems there is no future for us and we cannot imagine how life can get any better or how we can ever trust again. You do have a future. Your children will grow up. If you work hard and diligently, your self-image and financial situation will improve. Turn off the romance movies and the love songs. You don't need that right now. I know your friends Mike and Patty have been together for years and seem so happy and you wanted to be like them. Don't look at Mike and Patty because you do not know what they are dealing with to be together or what they will have to deal with in the future. See yourself happy and well. Allow yourself to heal and give yourself an opportunity to experience how good that feels. There are millions of people in the world and everyone is not crazy -- you will find good love again, when you stop looking for bad love. Be patient and continue to believe in love.