Wednesday, April 4, 2018

When an Ex Passes Away, How Should You Feel?

From the Author of Broken Heart on Amazon...

If Your Ex Passes Away, You Should Feel However You Feel!

Some of you have been with me since the very beginning in 2013 when I began chronicling my journey from heart break to healing.  Yesterday, I learned that my ex had passed away a couple of weeks before Chiron was moving out of my Sun sign.  One thing I can say is that I felt his departure, and I did  have an opportunity to chat with him by phone, the day before, and we made peace, which is a good thing.  Right now I can say that I am experiencing clarity.

I Can Confirm Divorce is Like Death

I've already mourned for him over the last five years since our divorce, and the children, which he hasn't (or hadn't since he is now deceased) seen in about a month and a half, had already begun to mourn also.  I can honestly say divorce is very much like a death because I remember the times when I couldn't breath, think, envision the future... all of that.  I remember keeping his clothes, shoes, etc., and gradually over the last 5 years, emptying drawers, throwing things away, erasing his memory and moving forward with my life without any hopes of an honest reconciliation.

I can also see the torment in losing an ex before you have gotten to this point so always trust the process of time because when you are given time to heal in the midst of the storm, it is a blessing.

I wrote Broken Heart as an emergency manual to get you through the initial couple of weeks of divorce, and now I can say after 5 years, that it will likely help you with mourning a death as well.

Thank you everyone who took and will take this journey with me as I experience full closure and Chiron gets the hell out of my Sun sign!


Renee Tarot

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Divorce PTSD: The Chapter I Didn't Write in my Book "Broken Heart"

Guys, it's been four years since my divorce and three years since I wrote the book Broken Heart.  There is one chapter that I did not write because at that time I had no idea that I should........


I was okay with going out on dates....that was not the problem, until the men would start to get serious with me.  At that point, once the date was over I'd get by myself in my bedroom and begin to cry.  Not because I was still in love with and missed an ex, but because my mind was bombarded with questions like, "what if he doesn't really like me", "I'm too fat", "I know I can't please him", "I'm too this or that......," and feelings of dread and fear engulfed me, making me feel like I was suffocating and losing it. By the end of the episode, I had turned myself into a female Shrek-like ogre, and had suffered an episode of full fledged post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

I honestly could not believe the emotional response that I had had, however I realized it was suppressed pain and hurt coming to the surface like an inflamed irritation breaking through skin.  It would take more time before all of the pain was cleansed, but yet there was more......

They Come Back

Once peace had flooded my soul and my energy had cleared and brightened, I became a beacon of hope for others who were broken-hearted and I began to enjoy life once again.  I still dealt with my children's father, and he also noticed that I was completely over him so he wanted to come back and bask in my sunshine. He'd since remarried and was treating his new wife the same way he had treated me....I guess he wanted to throw some more shit my way.

He was ill, very ill and had been hospitalized a time or least once at the point of death.  He wanted to spend more time with the children and allow me to travel, which I thought was nice, but really it was only suppose to be temporary.

After about three months, he became very critical of everything I did.  The more he knew about what I was doing and planning, the more critical he became until we were fighting again and going back down into the doldrums of low level, low energy living.

After returning from a spiritual retreat on a high of my own, he began to nick-pick and criticize my encounter to demean it and me -- that's when I banished him and sat down to try to explain to the children why their father could not be around as much as he had been.  Surprisingly, they, without judgment, understood the situation very well.

Accepting Deliverance

Even though I had come to a peaceful place in my life, I allowed the children's father more access because quite frankly I needed the break.  It is okay to take the breaks and accept the help that you need, without giving the exes and their families intimate access into your lives.

We must learn how to feed people with a long-handled spoon and know when to say "hello" and "goodbye".  I believe we should keep a level of distance with these folk from our past to maintain respect, anonymity and reduce too much familiarity (which can be very dangerous).

People have issues from their childhoods, past, and present, but that is not your concern.

You can't save the world, so don't try.  They can't save you, so don't let them try.  Let the deliverance that you need come in creative ways that are unanticipated and free to flow to you without blocks.  Stay true to the real cause....your ascension, and take good care of your newly healed heart.

This is the chapter that I would have put in my book, if only I'd known then what I know now....... be continued.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

A New Vision for Life

It's been a while since I wrote in this blog and you, my readers, have definitely been on my mind.  I won't take up much of your time, but I hope some of these thoughts are helpful to you.

People Have Changed.  I Have Changed.

I turned 50 this year.

Never did I realize how much that would affect me even though I knew many women had gone through the same mid-life situation.  Measurable changes were taking place in my body.  As a result, visual changes had begun, developing quickly, and for the first time, I honestly suffered body-anxiety with a lover.  The anxiety got so bad that the thought of meeting someone new through me into a fit of tears because I did not feel I could handle any additional disappointment.  It was weird.

I looked in the mirror and it was not the age that bothered me so much as the pain that I saw.  My face honestly looked horror-struck from all that I had gone through  over the years -- the disappointments of life were written all over my face.

I envied the young women in their twenties and thirties who were still fresh and physically unscathed, though I did not envy their monthly

But most of all, the most shocking discovery was many of the things that I dreamt of in my younger days and KNEW would happen for me, had not yet manifested, some a result of the ugly side of patriarchy.

My Metamorphosis is Not to be Dreaded, but to be Celebrated.

I felt I had to do something and do it quick!  I began seeing a weight loss doctor and the tizzy of pills she prescribed threw me into fits of bipolarism.  I received aesthetic, facial injections and even went as far as to have a rhinoplasty until, one day, when covered with bandages and not able to recognize my own face, I asked myself a question.  "What in the hell are you doing?"

I realized that it was time for me to sit up and accept who I am.  There will definitely be things that breakdown over time and that can stand a lift or a bit of help, however, my focus needed to be redirected to the things inside my heart that ail me.

I realized that as a woman of years, I have the power to change my circumstances, both physically and emotionally.

Though I am beautiful, I also have a charge to protect my beauty from those who would ravage it.  Additionally, I must foster the beauty that I own versus trying to recapture a chubby-cheeked teen look of my past.

It is okay to change my surroundings and alter the relationships that no longer serve me, especially those that constantly remind me of who I no longer am.

Only when I protect and repair the soul, will the physical follow.

I Must Let Go of Guilt and Secret Enemies!

I have not always made the correct decisions because the people of the matrix around me do not want the same things that I want.  I learned early there was something about me that people wanted to control, and felt they could.  Maybe it was because I am only a few inches over five feet tall and seemed easy to master.

Unfortunately it caused me to be angry and to lash out to let everyone know "I am not the one!"

I learned to release the sins of my mother and father and to detach from their energies without necessarily detaching from them.  That was a hard one that I am still mastering.

I had a close family member who always wanted to be around me.  After visiting a shaman, I was warned to stay away from this person because they did not have my best interest at heart.  Recently this person, by way of their actions, made it clear to me that the shaman was correct and they were their own first priority -- I was not even a close third.

I had to face the fact that sometimes those I love do not love me in the same way.  Love comes the way that it does and it is sometimes safer for me to distance myself from people I love.  However, if I find myself having to do this, life will send someone to stand beside me along the journey, perhaps not the someone that I thought it would be.  I also had to know the difference between incorrect attachments and fear-manifested heartbreak.

I learned that the longer I held on to secret enemies, the more pain I'd suffer and the longer it would take for my true friends to manifest or for those who are only there to serve me to get into place.

Relaxation, Clarity and Knowing My Purpose are Vital.

It is of vital importance that we sit ourselves down, calm our minds, slow down our spending and gather our thoughts.

  • Only then will we be able to know what it is that we should be doing and who we should be doing it with.  
  • Only then will we be able to release our fears and embrace change instead of fearing it.  
  • Only then can we detach ourselves from the people and situations that we thought would forever snare us or even retain some relationships without losing ourselves.  
  • Only then can we rest, then hear, subsequently understanding our purpose.

I say to myself and I say to special ones of you, "Demand your soul freedom and take the time to swim in the pool of self-knowledge and acceptance."